When I was young, I had it all.
I had opportunity literally at my feet.
I had good grades and scholarships.
I had youth. I had beauty. I had family.
I had opportunities.
I could have chosen any school, any place to live, any future.
And yet…
I chose him.
I chose to date him.
I chose to be near him.
I chose opportunities that would keep us together.
I chose to turn things down that made him uncomfortable.
I chose to marry him.
I chose to move far away from my family and closer to his.
I chose a family with him.
I chose to forgive.
I chose to stay.
I chose to give up everything while he chased his dreams.
I chose to believe in him. Again and again and again.
And do you know what happened?
It worked.
He flourished.
He met goals he never thought possible.
He proved people wrong.
He gained confidence and accolades and built something to be proud of.
He celebrated. And so did I.
And I kept everything going while he kept chasing.
I spent nights alone.
I managed the home.
I managed the kids.
I kept everything moving like a well-oiled machine.
While he worked and worked and chased his goals.
While he put every extra thought into his dreams.
I defended him. Again and again and again.
It was glorious, watching him succeed.
He gets to have it all.
And then it hit me.
When his dreams were finally coming true, I might get a turn to chase mine.
And the thought of chasing my dreams filled me up in a way I never thought possible.
It soothed an ache in my soul.
It was time. My time.
And do you know what happened when he finally watched his dreams come true?
He chose him.
He chose him.
He chose him.
Again and again and again.
He chose to set bigger goals.
He chose to spend more time at work chasing those dreams.
He chose the opportunities no matter where they were.
He chose things that made me uncomfortable.
He chose to go more places.
He chose to revel in his success.
He chose him. Again and again and again.
And I wasn’t mad.
Because I was so proud of him.
He did it. He made it. He beat the odds.
And I was a part of that.
I wasn’t mad.
But I was soul crushingly sad.
Because where did that leave me?
I had chosen this.
I had chosen him.
Even when it was to my detriment.
Even when it hurt.
Even when the burdens were too much.
Even when I really, honestly shouldn’t have.
And now, when I thought I might get a turn, he also chose him.
He chose himself again and again and again.
Had I not sacrificed enough?
Was I not important enough?
Did I have to dim myself so that he could have it all?
And you might think this is a letter of hate.
A seething description of how horrible he is.
But it’s not.
Oh, it’s not a letter of hate at all.
He’s not horrible, and I knew where to direct my anger.
I understood.
I had taught him exactly how to treat me by how I treated myself.
By ignoring myself.
By making him more important than me.
By giving away all my power.
So it’s not a letter of hate.
Not to him.
Not at all.
And if I could do it all again, I’d still choose him.
I’d choose to support and love and believe in him so that he could reach his dreams.
Selflessness and love can only bring goodness into the world.
But let me tell you.
I’d choose me, too.
I’d choose me so much more.
I’d choose the school I wanted.
I’d choose the summer in Spain.
I’d choose my family.
I’d choose me.
I don’t regret choosing to love another human being.
I don’t regret choosing to help him reach his potential.
I don’t regret being the only one in his corner.
I don’t regret pouring love into his soul.
But I do regret not choosing me.
I regret not realizing that I was important, too.
I regret giving without ever, ever asking for anything for myself.
And now, there’s no one left to choose me.
No one left to let me try.
No one there to pick up the burden and carry it for a while.
So now, in the tiny spaces in between, I choose me.
And it’s probably too late, and the moments too small.
But I do it anyway.
I choose me.
I choose me.
I choose me.
Again and again and again.
And I hope you choose to love and support and believe in your people.
I hope you choose to love with all your heart.
But I hope you choose you, too.
I hope you choose to look in the mirror and love that person just as much.
Oh, I hope you choose you, too.